Thursday, September 17, 2015

Forgiveness Is the Heart of the Matter



I have a heavy heart right now.  The few times I actually watch the news it all seems bad and worse.  Yesterday I relieved my mind of some very deep thoughts on guilt.  I also tried to process crime and punishment.  It seems that the two don't always go hand-in-hand, but perhaps that's just the way the world works.  We have to be concerned with ourselves first.  As consistently as sunrise and sunset, people - myself included - will continue to make mistakes, bad choices, and errors.  So aside from consequences, what is the one thing mankind needs in order to move forward?  Forgiveness.

Remember my mentioning Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice yesterday?  As a sinful human, I love the following passage more than anything else:

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes. (IV, 1, 180-187)

What Portia is saying in TMOV is that you cannot force an angry person to be merciful.  Furthermore, when leniency is coerced, it really isn't compassionate at all.   However, when forgiveness is offered, it benefits both the guilty and the prosecuting parties for their own reasons.   Consider this:


When someone wrongs you - be it physical or emotional harm - it's only natural that you feel anger towards that person.  Possibly you become fixated on concepts like karma, anticipating negative things to enter into the aggressor's life.  Sure this is common behavior and comes naturally.  But remember we are a fallen creation.  While we were created in God's image, we are also stalked by Satan who has waged an eternal war against our salvation.

Think about times when you are filled with anger, wrath, revenge.  Physically you may present a scowled face.  You may have stressors inside causing you to feel ill.  Emotionally you can concentrate on nothing else.  In devoting all of this emotional energy on the downfall of another person, you are really sacrificing energy you could be spending enjoying other aspects of your life.


Is this falling on deaf ears?  Are you comfortable forgiving and moving on?  Okay consider this:

A more difficult task is learning to forgive oneself.  Once you commit an offense, you should make up for the error in a choice of ways: offer an apology, make some restitution, or do penance. And then move on.  But can you?  Do you ever get a gnawing pit in your gut when you encounter a former vice?  Do you ever avoid awkward conversations because you are never quite sure if you are forgiven?  If you feel affected by a guilty conscience, perhaps it's because you have not forgiven yourself.  You are perpetually convicting yourself of a past wrong doing.  Is this justified?  Or are you committing cruel and unusual punishment against yourself.

Have you ever sat around with a group of friends and played the If-I-Could-Live-One-Life-Era-Again-What-Would-I-Change game?  Boy am I good at that!  I have so many things in the past I would change in a heartbeat.  There are plenty of situations I would handle differently, some as superficial as my questionable fashion sense in the early 90s and others that I hold much closer to my heart.  I mentioned this to a confidant recently, and she quickly set me straight.  She reminded me what I should already know:  If you could go back through life, undoing all of your past mistakes, how and when would you ever learn the accompanying lessons?

Regrets?  I have a few.  Guilty Conscience?  I still recognize that feeling from time to time.  Nevertheless,  I believe that if you are living with regret and/or if you frequently feel like the world is condemning you, perhaps it is you who cannot forgive yourself.


Do you have tips on how to let yourself off the hook?  Do you have a favorite scripture, self-help book, movie, or other media which has really inspired you?  If you are brazen enough to confess, what is your biggest regret and how do you choose to overcome that regret?  Or do you?  I would love to know I'm not alone, so I look forward to your comments.



Update 9/22/2015: If you are new to my blog due to the Blogelina Commentathon, welcome!  I hope you stay a while.  I'm an emotional person and sometimes you will see light, fluffy tutorials.  Other times I'll share a great recipe or two.  Then there are times, like this super popular post, when I blend real life and Social Media life by writing about my heavy heart.  I have always believed writing/journaling/blogging is a great way to process my thoughts.  I hope you stick around beyond this event; we could be great friends!

39 comments:

  1. I have had to do some forgiving. I am 7 years divorced. I had to forgive my ex for his affair. I also had to forgive her for sleeping with my (then) husband. It took a long tome but I can now say "Thank you for that experience" as it made me a much kinder, more compassionate person.

    #commentathon
    Erica

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  2. I regret not being able to wake up out of my pre-teen sleep to say goodbye to my dad before he left for work one random morning in July in 1991. He didn't return home because of a car accident. What I would give to say goodbye to him properly. #blogelina

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  3. I don't have such a hard time forgiving myself as I do forgiving others. Of course, I've been told this is directly related to my not forgiving myself for this or that. Usually when I need to forgive myself for something I just tell myself that I can't change it now and frankly, you never know when something good could actually come of it.

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  4. Ahh, it's SO much harder to forgive yourself than to forgive others, I find! But this is so very true ... "In devoting all of this emotional energy on the downfall of another person, you are really sacrificing energy you could be spending enjoying other aspects of your life."

    Just as by releasing this negative energy by forgiving the person who has wronged you, so to can we released HUGE amounts of negative energy by forgiving ourselves. I find the simplest trick to helping forgive myself (and I am rather too fond of beating myself with a big stick!) is to jot down 3-5 things in my Gratitude journal each night. Focusing on these helps me to leave my heart feeling a little lighter, in some small way.

    With blessings - Callie, London, UK #blogelina

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    1. PS I really love your Links to this post (Create a Link) - below the comments box. How did you work that magic?!! I'd love to know x

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  5. Such a great thing to know about forgiveness. Knowing how bad this world is and knowing that God forgives me is such a blessing!! The times we are living in are not easy, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! :)

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  6. There are some things in life that warrant forgiveness, and there are also somethings that are not. We just need to choose what actions we feel are worthy.

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  7. There are some things in life that warrant forgiveness, and there are also somethings that are not. We just need to choose what actions we feel are worthy.

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  8. This is such a relevant and hot button issue in my family right now. Divorced parents and any mention of time spent with one parent sends the other into a spiral of hatred and anger. Even the slightest thing like our daughter mentioning a toy came from the other parent sets off the bomb. And it rages on for weeks. I have so many experiences that I have forgiven and can absolutely look back on and see the benefit of experiencing and I WANT that for others in my life. I pray for enlightenment and so forth but it does feel so heavy at times. Great post.

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  9. Forgiveness of ourselves, much less others, is such a hard thing to do. I still harbor hurt and anger over certain issues that my mind can't let go of, though my heart and head has let go of, thankfully, because it was truly eating me alive. Thank you for such a wonderful and thoughtful post. I look forward to reading more of your blog soon! :) #BlogelinaCommentathon

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  10. Going through some tough times with a family member right now and your words were so what I needed to hear. Forgiveness is hard but so very necessary! Thanks for the reminding me. :) #blogelina

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  11. I have a few things in my life that I would go back and change but not very many that I find unforgivable.I love that quote by Oprah. #blogelina

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  12. I have some regrets that I've done in the past but I've learned from them and consider them wonderful experiences now. I don't think I'd change anything because everything I've done was obviously meant to happen.

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  13. I always teach my children that it's nice to forgive.

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  14. Forgiveness is sometimes hard for me. I can forgive, but sometimes I cannot forget. I had a very painful divorce some 30+ yrs ago. It was definitely a learning experience, and I have become a stronger person from it.

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  15. I often have to talk myself through forgiving someone. I normally do forgive because I really don't like conflict of any kind.

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  16. I think that forgiving is a process that I am still learning how to do in this life. I also have trouble with forgetting which is even harder than forgiving that person or people in order to move on in life. The best thing for me is to stay in prayer and ask for guidance and wisdom towards forgiveness.

    @Blogelina Commentathon

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  17. I regret not being able to stand up for myself. I think I could have saved myself a whole lot of pain. If someone of importance has hurt me too badly, then I rarely go back to make peace.

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  18. I just recently posted this quote on my blog, "Happy is the man who can brush aside the offending remarks of another and go on his way" Gordon B Hinckley. It's so important to forgive!

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  19. I think forgiving ourselves is so much harder to do than forgiving others. It's easier to forgive others for me but again I would be wary to trust that person again.

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  20. Maybe forgiveness is something we learn as we grow up. You can walk way from others and use downtime to forgive, you need to be able to forgive yourself too.

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  21. I find it much easier to forgive other people than to forgive myself. I have huge amounts of guilt, and it's hard to get rid of it. I also use my writing as a way to express myself and work through that guilt and hopefully find forgiveness. Thank you for this post. Very insightful.

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  22. I do struggle a lot with a guilty conscience and a desire to go back and do major decisions of my life over. Just yesterday I was feeling pretty heavy about this because my husband and I had had an argument, and I was sad that there always seemed to be brokenness, not just in the world, but in us. I will be thinking about this post more today - thanks for being real and sharing things like this - we need to hear it!

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  23. Great thoughts. Forgiveness is a very simple concept yet such a complicated act. I am a work in progress in learning to forgive and release the painful emotions that may linger.

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  24. Like so many others, foregiveness is something that I need to work at constantly...I find it especially difficult to forgive others who have hurt my loved ones.

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  25. In my life, I have to remember that forgiveness is important not just for them but for me as well. I still have to work at it and this was a great reminder.

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  26. Ah, yes ....forgiveness. Over the years I have struggled with this, especially self forgiveness. Once I surrendered I was truly set free. Great post, awesome picture quotes!!!!!!

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  27. I'm just now really getting better at forgiving people. I realized I had to or being mad would take over my life. I love this post and it also made me think if there is anyone that I need to forgive today.

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  28. Reading the comments from this post was just as insightful as reading your post. I have a few things that I regret that seem so minor in comparison to what others have shared. I do agree that feelings of anger and guilt are incredibly energy-draining, and life is too short to give in to them. With family and other loved ones, it's very easy for me to move on. With sometimey-friends, acquaintances and ex-boyfriends, I usually forgive and forget...the person. They simply cease to exist in my world. That sounds harsh, but it definitely doesn't drain any energy from my life when you've completely stopped thinking or worrying about what another person thinks or does (in that case).

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  29. I definitely agree that forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. I always try to remind myself that if I hadn't made all the mistakes I've made, I wouldn't be in the place I'm at in life right now. And I definitely love my life. So thank goodness for all those "mistakes"!

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  30. Forgiveness can be hard, depending on the circumstances. Good for you for being brave enough to show the good and the bad side of life!

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  31. This is such a nice post to read on a Tuesday evening :) Thanks for this! xx

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  32. We need to forgive others just as much for our own well being as for theirs. Holding on to the wrong doings that others commit against us will only breed bitterness. When we choose to forgive is when we will be at peace.

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  33. Forgiveness is definitely something that I could use some help with and time to think.

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  34. Wow. This definitely hits home for me this week. We are dealing with a terrible family situation right now and this is something I need to keep in mind for when I'm feeling capable of forgiveness. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have no idea how much this post means to me.

    Brooke @ Brooke Blogs
    #blogelina #commentathon

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  35. As a person who feels things quite deeply, I often find it hard to forgive others, but mostly myself. I tend to dwell on what happened, when instead I need to learn to just let go. Thanks for the reminder!

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  36. I have always found forgiving myself the hardest of all. Thank you for your insights and the quotes. Forgiving is hard but we are called to do it.
    God Bless,
    Jen

    http://www.conversationsattheironingboard.com
    (sorry I had to comment under my sons account)
    #blogelina

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  37. This is such a timely article, I give myself the hardest time ever, as I hold myself to a different standard than the others I forgive so easy.
    I appreciate your voice today.

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  38. I have always tried to live by this rule after seeing it on Oprah many years ago and again on Dr. Phil. People find it hard to see that forgiveness is actually for themselves and often cannot see how others forgive such horrible acts. It takes a very strong person to forgive. Thanks for posting.

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